And, perhaps it is unfair to say the crust is all bad, because around the edges there are still a few crispy spots.
Let us not conclude from the above rant that The Phantom Menace is a bad movie, for even with a pretty rotten crust the toppings are still delicious. As a result, Episode I teaches us a great deal about the finer nuances of what it takes to be the next Steve Urkel, but avoids creating exciting and unique characters for which the audience can develop any kind of attachment. This “Jar Jar”, a computer generated “being” (a term which I use loosely) is present in every scene of importance, making mildly annoying noises, cutting off conversations, and generally stopping anyone from ever saying anything of interest. Rather than have the characters actually TALK with one another, thereby forcing Lucas to get off his ass and write REAL dialogue Star Wars creators have stumbled upon a digitally created replacement. The Phantom Menace has decided to take out all of that, and instead replace it with a strange phenomenon known as “Jar Jar Binks”. Thrust into the middle of intrigue in the galactic republic, Anakin and his Jedi sensei, Qui-Gonn Jinn (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), save a planet and its beautiful queen, Padme-Amidala (Natalie Portman), from the slowly rising forces of a mysterious dark Sith Lord. All is not yet rotten in the state of Skywalker, as Anakin proves himself and honest and kind child. The Phantom Menace, reveals the origins of Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), the man behind the mask of the evil Darth Vader, as he is discovered on the corrupt planet of Tatooine at a tender and innocent age by a pair of crime-fighting Jedi. But let us not use that as an excuse for bad filmmaking. Such groundbreaking amazement and excitement is a tough, nay, impossible act to follow. Perhaps really great is an understatement, but there are only so many ways to get across to a Siberian the depth and wonder of my previous Star Wars viewing experience. Suffice it to say that the Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is a prequel to 3 really great films made in the 70’s and 80’s. Since you are Siberian, chances are you can’t read English anyway, so I’ll not waste any time explaining what it is to you. If you don’t know what Star Wars is, you must be from Siberia. Much like my much lamented, overpriced pizza, The Phantom Menace delivers a great heaping help of delicious topings, but unlike its delicious predecessors, forgets to bake the crust. Those bastards undercooked it!! BLECH, what’s up with this crust? It’s all raw and doughy in the middle… holy crap I can’t believe I paid 20 bucks for this. The first bite was… not quite what it could have been. And then it was there, hot and delicious, steaming, streaming grease and fattening goodness.
As time passed, I found myself sitting by the door, check in hand, waiting anxiously for the only thing which could satisfy my vicious craving. Visions of hot gooey cheese and thick juicy slabs of meat filled my mind. Two hours passed, and my anticipation grew.
When my local Pizza Palace informed me that it would be a 2-hour wait, I was crestfallen, but hopeful. Last night I ordered my favorite pizza: Canadian Bacon, Mushrooms, Onions, and extra cheese on a crispy, thick crust.